Mot: Here’s a little collection of the funniest, most relatable marriage quips I’ve come across in January of 2024.
Hope these add some laughs to your day! Janene
#1 Oh boy…
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer)
#2 Rookie mistake, buddy…
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux)
#3 Sounds familiar!
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix)
#4 I have a lot of things in my purse, but I’ll admit a burrito is not one of them LOL!
My wife just told me to get a burrito from the front pocket of her purse and I’ve never been more in love in my life.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)
#5 We all know the outcome of this…
Five words that absolutely terrify my husband: “I’ll go check for myself.”
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy)
#6 How about Amazon trucks that start selling ice cream??
How ‘bout Amazon trucks that play music like ice cream trucks so my wife knows when to go running out to the curb.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish)
#7 Women are prepared for anything…
My wife literally has everything in her purse.
Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice.
She had 2 of each.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy)
#8 Sounds about right!
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) January 8, 2024
#9 My daughter did this the other day…
One minute you’re happily married and the next minute he’s cut open a resealable Costco-sized bag.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids)
#10 Good luck with that…
At the store when my wife texted from home, “THERE IS SOMETHING HUGE MOVING AROUND IN THE ATTIC” so I think I’ll just hang out here in Aisle 5 for a while.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix)
#11 Being snowed in in 1982 and being snowed in today are two different stories!
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all week is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland)
#12 Well played, my friend…
I was annoyed at my husband for misplacing his sunglasses again. After retracing our steps, I realized I was actually sitting on them in the car. So, I threw them under his seat and became the hero when I found them.
Follow me for more marriage advice.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy)
#13 I do miss my kids being little but I do not miss all the birthday parties!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland)
#14 I admit I’m a little guilty of this…
Mornings when my wife can sleep in:
Me: [tiptoeing around, whispering to kids, wearing only socks, using AirPods to keep the TV volume and Zoom meetings from disturbing her]
Mornings when I can sleep in:
Wife: DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT A SMOOTHIE [sound of blender]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix)
#15 Accurate!
Marriage is driving by gas stations and announcing the prices.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy)
#16 I just ask my son, a TV and film buff who never forgets a fact…he’s like a walking, talking IMDB…
every relationship needs one person who says “What else has he been in” while watching something and one person who excitedly reads their IMDB out loud
— buffalo bill dan (@FranziaMom)
#17 LOL, my husband and his Android ruin all of our group chats…
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
— 🌜🤷♂️ Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla)
#18 Oh, that can’t be good…
I texted my wife asking how her day was going and she wrote back DO WE HAVE LIMES so I guess there’s my answer.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix)
#19 That’s fair…
My wife changed the password on the TV because I watched one of our shows when she wasn’t home.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy)
Mot: Clever He Is!!
Mot: I’ll Beeeeeee Right There!!!!!